Why Biden Will Win

Post-Election Headlines (Written Pre-Election)

1. Common Sense Prevailed

Take a step back from it all. And ask yourself this question: was it ever plausible that Trump 2020 was gonna do better than Trump 2016? And that Biden 2020 was gonna do worse than Clinton 2016? That’s all you really needed to know.

2. Trump’s a Loser

Donald Trump is a loser. He’s used to crashing out of stuff. It’s why he blew his billion-dollar campaign cash advantage within months. It’s why “Trump” is only a hotel in Las Vegas, banned from operating as a casino. It’s why Everything Trump Touches Dies.

3. It’s the Covid, Stupid

We’re in the middle of a pandemic. One that the President totally botched — on tape. Is it any kind of surprise that he lost? Moreover, the economy is in shambles. Trump kept saying we’re “rounding the turn.” You know what “rounds the turn” a lot? Something going down the toilet.

4. The Polls Were Right — And Never Really That Wrong in 2016 Anyway

Almost all numbers pointed to a Biden victory. The polls were stable and his lead was large; he consistently polled above 50%, which Hillary Clinton did not. There were almost no undecided voters to break for Trump.

5. Power to the People, Right On

For nearly four years, in Washington, it seemed like Trump won at every turn. But at the polls, Trump seemed to lose at every turn. Many candidates he endorsed lost in the general elections. And the GOP got shellacked in the 2018 midterms, with Democratic votes outnumbering Republicans’ by nearly 10 million. The writing had been on the wall this whole time: once the decision came back to the American people, they were always gonna throw Trump out.

6. Trump’s Campaign Actually Hurt Him

Just like his Twitter account and his big, fat mouth, Trump’s campaign actually helped him hemorrhage voters.

7. Brand Me

… The 2020 campaign was a case study in the power of branding: Joe Biden had been known as a moderate for decades. Painting him as a crazy liberal only worked with Trump’s base and largely not with swing voters. They tried the same with Kamala Harris: one minute, she was the most liberal person in the Senate; the next, she was too tough on crime for the Black community. Pick one, yo.

8. Trump Cancelled

Joe Biden’s “Restoration” positioning was perfect. People longed for the days of Barack Obama — and every other President. We’ve always had deep disagreements, but we collectively longed for a sense of calm.

9. Biden Focused Like Ariana Grande

Biden ran a nearly perfect campaign. Minimal gaffes… didn’t fall down, as I thought he might pull a Gerald Ford/Chevy Chase. And above all else, he stayed focused. He knew the race came down to MIPAWI… and he campaigned like hell in Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin.

10. Money Changes Everything

Biden outraised Trump by gargantuan proportions. Like, it wasn’t even close. And it wasn’t just the élites. The average donation for Trump was $71. For Biden, $76. Biden’s air game (TV and radio ads) drowned out Trump’s messaging.

11. No Sexism in the Campaign Room

Chauvinism was a factor in Clinton’s loss. It helped that Joey Biden was an old, white man. (He’s still an old, white man.) (He’s still alive, at the time of our last refresh on Google.)

12. I’m So Scared

Fear is the strongest motivator. And Americans so feared a second Trump term that this outweighed any Love that Trump voters had for their candidate… and rendered any Biden Love not quite as important.

13. True Colors

Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin are fundamentally blue states. They “wanted” to swing back — and did.

14. Curb Your Enthusiasm

Back in 2004, my favorite website was JohnKerryIsADouchebagButImVotingForHimAnyway.com. Yes, that used to be a real site.

15. Updraft Coattails — Like Guiliani’s Pants

Biden better call those Senator-elects in Arizona, North Carolina, and Georgia. Because enthusiasm for them was so high, they actually had an upward effect on turnout at the Presidential level. Mark Kelly lifted Biden to victory in Arizona… fitting for an astronaut.

16. We Engineered That Well

An overwhelming majority of Americans feel the country is on the wrong track. That was always an ominous sign for the incumbent. A freight train headed his way, so to speak.

17. The Woke Woke Up

As Ernest Hemingway wrote, “Never mistake motion for action.” The youth had had enough of the talk and showed up in historic numbers. The long-awaited, much-ballyhooed young voter turnout finally materialized.

18. Trump Really Was That Bad

The crazy thing about Donald Trump (as if there’s only one crazy thing) is how popular he could’ve been. Remember the exchange that Marie (Carrie Fisher) and Sally (Meg Ryan) keep having in When Harry Met Sally?

Marie: I don’t think he’s ever gonna leave her.

Sally: I know he’s never gonna leave her.

Marie: You’re right. You’re right. I know you’re right.

Trump’s base was never gonna leave him. So, I could never understand why Trump didn’t try to expand his base.

19. Voter Suppression Wasn’t the Difference It Was Feared to Be

Did the GOP try to suppress votes? You bet. But two factors mitigated against this:

20. Meet the Shy Biden Voter

In 2016, the Shy Trump voter was a thing (but not that big a thing). In a sweet twist of irony, precisely because the Trump voter was anything but shy, many Biden voters stayed quiet due to intimidation.

21. Believe It or Not… The Media Got Smarter

The mainstream media didn’t take the Hunter Biden bait like they did with Hillary’s emails in 2016.

22. Ohio Snaps Its Streak

Ohio had voted for the winner in every Presidential election since 1964. But this time, Trump won my home state and lost the election.

23. I Approve This Message

Endorsements by public figures and newspapers (for the Gen Zers… newspapers were these papers that contained the news) don’t matter that much. But when periodical approval is this lopsided and you attract more opposing-party endorsements than any President in decades, well, that matters.

24. America, F*ck Yeah!

The United States remains the shining city on the hill. We have been the global leader in innovation for over a century. It was never any wonder that Americans, fundamentally good people, were gonna make the right choice and turn the international tide away from nationalism and towards a more progressive future.



Ohio-born, LA-based comedian.

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